cynical much?

Incomplete Sentences

2012-02-04T14:02:00.000-05:00

The other day, I heard the teacher apparently say to the class, as she wrote on the board, "I - will - write - incomplete - sentences."

I thought that was rather odd, until I looked up at the board.

"I will write in complete sentences."

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Who could have seen THAT coming?

2012-02-04T13:48:00.000-05:00

Here's a dialog that occurred the other day at school. Little girl raises her hand in the cafeteria and I called on her:

Little girl: "I'm six!"

Me: "Really! When did you turn six?"

Little girl: "On my birthday."

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Bitchcraft

2011-12-31T11:00:00.001-05:00

Bitchcraft [bich-kraft]

noun

A series of practices where a group of people, most often women, plot and execute evil actions against others, also typically women.

Cell Phone vs Talking to Passenger

2011-12-27T08:53:00.000-05:00

Q: What's the difference between hands-free talking on a cell phone in a car versus talking to a passenger in the car?

A: The person with whom you're talking hands-free is much less likely to shout, "Watch out!!"
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tying teacher salaries to student performance

2011-04-20T05:52:00.000-05:00

Schools across the nation are considering tying teacher salaries to student performance.

I couldn't agree more.

The worse a school performs, the more they should pay the teachers to motivate them to teach the kids better.

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He said whaaaa??

2011-02-14T22:13:00.000-05:00

So today I totally forgot to wear red for valentine's day. Anyway, a teacher had a red heart she gave me to put on my shirt. So I walk into my kindergarten class and shortly after, a little girl came up to me and said, "Michael said you have a heart on."

You know, that was about ten hours ago and I'm still chuckling over it.

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really dumb riddles

2010-10-24T09:44:00.004-05:00

Q. What do you call men who barbecue when it's foggy outside?

A. Grillers in the mist.

Q. What do you call these men when they congregate among your group?

A. Grillers in our midsts.

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a dumb pun

2010-07-18T16:07:00.001-05:00

Q: Where does Phil Collins record?

A: In the stu-stu-studio.

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uhhhh, whaa??

2010-07-09T20:00:00.001-05:00

"What should I do with this suppository?"

"Shove it up your ass!"

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Still Another Neither Brunette nor Redhead Joke

2010-05-22T08:04:00.003-05:00

So this big important CEO of a very well known corporation receives an envelope marked Confidential: To be opened only by the Addressee. After reading the contents, he realizes that were this information to leak out, it could spell the end of the corporation.

He puts the documents back in the confidential envelope and hand delivers it to his neither brunette nor redhead assistant and says, "Kandi, I want you to go to the copy room and shred this immediately!" She darts off while he rushes to a board meeting.

After the meeting, he approaches his assistant and asks, "Did you shred that item I gave you?" and she says, "I certainly did, Mr Bitterman!"

"Wheeew," sighed the executive.

"But just in case you change your mind," the assistant begins, "I made a copy of the documents and put them in your bin in the mail room!"

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bigoted much?

2010-02-02T07:42:00.001-05:00

If you are Hispanic, do not read this post.

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yet another non-brunette nor redhead joke

2009-11-21T19:46:00.001-05:00

A neither brunette nor redhead complains to her friend: "I don't know why people think escalators are a time-saver. It took me forever to get to the second floor."
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huh??

2009-10-24T07:25:00.001-05:00

Why is it a bad thing to text while driving, yet it's OK to bang an address into ones car's navigation system?
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acts of God

2009-10-17T18:41:00.001-05:00

My homeowners' insurance policy says it doesn't cover "acts of God."

But what if you're an atheist?
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a sad day

2009-10-03T08:28:00.002-05:00

If you like little kids and puppies, then don't read this article.

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a million years

2009-09-30T05:03:00.003-05:00

"I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years!"

How often have you heard that as a response to a query you've posed? Here's how I'm going to respond next time someone says that:

"Well, DUH! It's not like you're gonna live to be a million years old! Besides, after a million years, who's likely to remember the question??"

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12 "for," 11 "against," teens abstain

2009-09-30T04:53:00.003-05:00

Panel votes to restore abstinence education money
The Associated Press
Tuesday, September 29, 2009; 11:31 PM

WASHINGTON -- A Senate committee voted Tuesday night to restore $50 million a year in federal funding for abstinence-only education that President Barack Obama has pushed to eliminate.

Well, if there is anything good to come out of this, it's that the move will result in more taxpayers to help defray the $50M costs.

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rest room? I don't think so.

2009-09-13T13:08:00.003-05:00

Please read my article, Worst Men's Room I've ever had the Pleasure to Visit, for a firsthand look at what restaurants are passing off as a customer courtesy these days.

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more dating advice

2009-07-24T17:34:00.004-05:00

Here's some dating advice from one of my single buddies, learned the hard way - once again.

After first meeting a new girl, under no circumstances, no matter how much it may seem to apply, are you to say, "That's cool! Is that your stripper name?"

Deal killer, right there, let me tell ya.

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the new GM

2009-07-11T07:25:00.004-05:00

"Good news, sweetie!" the mother began, "The all new, Gov't run General Motors will be trying to get younger buyers such as yourself into their nearest showrooms!"

Bad news, however, is that the nearest showroom will be 250 miles away.

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07/08/09

2009-07-08T17:13:00.000-05:00

Read here for a bit of insight into a rare phenomenon on the occasion of 07/08/09.

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chass titty boner

2009-06-12T19:49:00.002-05:00

Well, I see that Chastity Bono has come up with yet another ploy to piss off her mom.
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stress

2009-05-18T17:53:00.001-05:00

The doctor told me to take a deep breath and count to ten whenever I feel stressed.

I'm up to 30,000 now and still don't feel any better.
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american idle

2009-05-15T05:21:00.000-05:00

Need I say more?
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"creative" baby names II

2009-05-02T07:24:00.004-05:00

The other day a colleague presented me with the following riddle:

A man and wife teamed up to come up with the following name for their darling little daughter:

La - a

Now take a moment or two and see if you can figure out how these parents intended this name to be pronounced, and also how this poor child will be ridiculed for the rest of her life because of it.

No, it's not pronounced Leah, (Lay-uh, as in Princess Leia) nor is it La'a (Hawaiian for Law-ah.) It's not supposed to be said like "laaaah" or anything else like that. No, this angel got saddled with a name that is supposed to be pronounced - are you ready for this? Ladasha. Get it? La "Dash" a. I'd say that about 99% - no, make that 100% of the people she comes across will not know how to pronounce it right.

This, by the way, is a true story. You can't make stuff up like this. If anyone could appreciate this post, it would be my friend M@.

Here are two more of my posts about baby names: Post 1 and Post2
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I hate tongue twisters

2009-05-02T06:49:00.002-05:00

Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers.
How Many Pickled Peckers did Peter Piper Pick?
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sex, Ed?

2009-04-08T07:08:00.003-05:00

Much has been said about parents who feel that sex education should be done at home and not by the public school system.

How about this idea. At thirteen, all kids are given a test of general understanding about sex, STDs, and how babies are made. Nothing complex, overly graphic, or beyond their comprehension - just knowledge any thirteen year old should have in order to keep themselves and others safe. Then, if the kid doesn't get a passing grade, that kid's going to get sex-ed, no matter what the parents want.

Parents say they want to be the ones who teach their children about sex - but then don't do it. C'mon, people, either teach your kids about sex, (assuming you have the resources to do so,) or allow the Education System in your state to educate them.
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yeah, that could be a problem

2009-04-04T15:53:00.001-05:00

I have an uncle who has a really bad problem for which there may be no help.

He's addicted to twelve-step programs.
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be sure to look your best!

2009-03-29T18:55:00.001-05:00

Take a look at this quick post and the statement it makes about tattoos and job interviews.

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those funny people in sheboygan

2009-03-21T09:16:00.001-05:00

Here's an interesting post about one of my favorite topics, The Double Standard.

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threesome much?

2009-03-12T18:52:00.002-05:00

A man approaches his wife and asks, "Honey, would you ever consider a threesome?"

She says, "Sure!"

"Really?" he asks, hardly believing his ears.

"You bet!" she begins, "But I get to pick the other guy."

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homosexuality is treatable

2009-02-21T13:54:00.002-05:00

Is homosexuality treatable? Sure! There are plenty of ways to treat homosexuals. Fun ways that can please both heterosexuals and homosexuals. Wanna know what they are? Wanna know several ways to treat homosexuals?

Well, for one, you could treat homosexuals with respect. You could treat them with kindness, compassion, courtesy, and sympathy. You could treat them with dignity, honor, and doggone it, maybe even with civility.

So as I said, there are many ways we can treat homosexuals. Ya just gotta know how.

UPDATE: For more on this issue, read this post.

Heard at the coffee shop

2009-02-08T12:54:00.002-05:00

"I'm all in favor of my school district spending more on ensuring qualified teachers are brought into high-poverty neighborhoods to teach low-income students - as long as my taxes don't go up."

toodle-oodle casserole

2009-02-04T17:01:00.002-05:00

A kindergarten teacher asked her students what their favorite meal is. There were the usual responses such as pizza and hot dogs, etc.

When she came to Lizzie, her answer was a bit odd.

"and what is your favorite food, Lizzie?"

"toodle-oodle casserole," she said.

"Excuse me, Lizzie, but would you say that again please?"

"toodle-oodle casserole."

The next week, Lizzie's mother showed up for a teacher conference.

"Mrs Gordon, if you don't mind me asking, what is Lizzie's favorite food?"

"Not at all!" the mother began, "Lizzie likes tuna noodle casserole.

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looks like a cyclone hit it

2009-01-31T06:18:00.001-05:00

From one of my other blogs:

A Riddle for you:

Question: What's the difference between a tornado and the U.S. Economy?

Answer: One leaves a path of destruction as it brings down homes and takes away cars and other prized possessions and personal belongings and the other is a wind storm.
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what do you get?

2009-01-30T13:08:00.001-05:00

What do you get if you were to cross these dogs together:

Schnauzer
Spitz
Beagle
Newfoundland
Poodle

You're gonna love this:

Schnitzel with Noodles.

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eight is enough (actually, too many)

2009-01-28T22:16:00.004-05:00

By now I suppose you've heard the story of the Houston mother who gave birth to octuplets this week. According to one article,

Details about how the octuplets were conceived have not been released, but doctors not involved in the delivery believe the mother was likely on fertility treatment.

I wonder why doctors thought it was likely she was on babymaker pills. It seems that whenever you hear stories about multiple births of four or more kids, Mom is on fertility meds. I feel badly for couples who are having difficulty conceiving a child and then going from none to eight.

The kids were 2 girls and 6 boys. I'm just picturing these girls trying to get a date when they're older. A 16 year old guy comes up to one, chats her up a bit, then asks her out. She says OK, and he says, "do you have a sister for my buddy?" Yeah - and she's my age. "Oh, you're twins?" No, she says.

Suddenly six boys, all appearing to be the exact same age, come around the corner and scare the guys away.

And what about how boys eat? Sure, the 2 girls will always be watching their weight - some things will never change - but I know boys who can put away two steaks at a single meal.

"Honey, I'm going to the store - do you need anything?"

"Yeah, get three Ultra-Slim-Slows, twelve steaks, and whatever you want."

UPDATE:

Turns out this mother already had six kids - and she's only 33 years old. Fourteen kids. I know some teachers who have less than that in their whole classroom.
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history

2009-01-15T06:20:00.002-05:00

True story: A 4th grade teacher wants to gage her class's knowledge of history.

"Who in this class can complete the following quote:

One small step for man, one giant leap foooooooor ....."

Little girl raises her hand and says, "Women?"
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cell phone users

2008-12-06T21:49:00.001-05:00

I'm watching television and a scene comes up where a little girl about five is talking on a cell phone.

It occurred to me that there are kids out there who have never talked on a corded phone.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, honey?"

"What's this thing on this phone?"

"That's a cord. Do you know what it's for?"

"So that the phone won't get lost?"

life's good

2008-11-24T18:47:00.001-05:00

You know you're life is not that bad if you never find yourself having to say, "I have already put both our lives in danger just by talking to you."
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where have all the US automakers gone?

2008-11-17T07:42:00.001-05:00

Click here for an article discussing the Bailout of the Big Three Automakers.
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dumb joke about ED meds

2008-11-14T06:28:00.002-05:00

"If you have an erection lasting longer than four girlfriends ..."

(that's all. No wait, there's more.)
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Veteran's Day thought

2008-11-11T08:36:00.002-05:00

Today is Veteran's day. In my county in North Carolina, the libraries are closed, but the museums and liquor stores are open.

So now I'm imagining all these drunks with overdue library books roaming the museums ...
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lobotomy

2008-11-10T06:44:00.001-05:00

"I'd rather be a deadbeat dad than a dad beat dead."

- Author unknown

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how'd you spend YOUR hour?

2008-11-02T08:27:00.001-05:00

Here's an article called Extra Hour of Sleep My Left Butt Cheek! regarding the change from Daylight Savings Time.
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pretty please with a cherry on top?

2008-10-05T06:39:00.004-05:00

What do NASCAR, wool, rum, and wooden arrows for children have in common?

They're all part of a "Pretty Please with a Cherry on Top" plea to Congress to pass the bailout, er, I mean Rescue Plan for Wall Street.
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half empty or half full?

2008-10-04T05:05:00.001-05:00

Doesn't matter. If we're talking rum - I'm good.
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pet peeve #5

2008-10-03T05:54:00.002-05:00

... is people who use the word 'promise' instead of the word 'swear.'

For example, "I'm telling ya, this woman was seven feet tall. I promise!"

or "Promise me you didn't sell the car without telling me!"

'Promise' always implies something that may happen in the future, not something that may have happened in the past.

'Swear' can mean to declare or avow a present or past event or statement to be factual.

The abuse of this word has had me peeved for quite some time, I promise ya.
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wham

2008-09-23T06:11:00.001-05:00

I see George Michael is in the news again. If he keeps this up, the Wham! he'll be hearing will be the sound of prison bars behind him.
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angry much?

2008-09-19T10:18:00.000-05:00

View this post for a perspective on anger.
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like I said ...

2008-09-14T09:34:00.002-05:00

Q: What do the following words have in common?

like
goes
there
all

A: They all mean "said" depending on which decade the speaker is in.

The '50s - He said, 'Will you go out with me?' and she said, 'No!'

The '60s - He's like, 'Will you go out with me?' and she's like, 'No!'

The '70s - He goes, 'Will you go out with me?' and she goes, 'No!'

The '80s - He's there, 'Will you go out with me?' and she's there, 'No!'

The '90s - He's all, 'Will you go out with me?' and she's all, 'No!'

What do they say in the '00s?

Maybe "He goes all there like, 'Will you go out with ...
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cyb

2008-09-13T06:49:00.007-05:00

If there's one valuable lesson I've learned over the years, it's CYB. That's right, CYB. CYB has helped me through many a disagreement with my boss, my wife and other relatives, and even with friends and other acquaintances.

I figure that without CYB, I would not be in the better place I am now. CYB has kept me from getting into heated arguments I'd probably lose, from probably losing my job, my family, my home, my friends, and who knows whatever else.

I would recommend CYB to anyone. There is not a soul on this earth who could not benefit from CYB.

Yes, CYB. I'm a big supporter. CYB. "Choose Your Battles."

Look into CYB - I encourage you. It will change your life.
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tender ears

2008-09-04T06:19:00.003-05:00

After reading this post from one of my fave bloggers regarding creative expletives, it reminds me of an aunt who was blessed with the ability to break out into song immediately after uttering the first word of an outburst in order to recover before offending "tender ears."

After dropping a frying pan on her foot: "GOD ... bless America! Land that I looooove ..."

Or after finding a favored vase broken in her living room, (don't ask about that one,) "JESUS ... loves the little chill-DREN ..."
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I'm a retard

2008-08-17T06:37:00.006-05:00

Living in the South can be amusing sometimes, specially when trying to translate the southern dialect into "Nawthun" speak.

The other day I had a conversation with a gentleman I'd never met before. After talking for a while, I asked him what he does for a living. His answer kinda threw me.

"Ah'm retard."

I said, "Scuse me??"

Again he repeated, "Ah'm retard."

I asked for a little clarification.

He said, "Ah worked for the Post Office for 30 years, and Ah retard two years ago.'

So he retired.

God I love the South.
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dog breeds

2008-08-10T07:13:00.001-05:00

Q. What do you get if you mix a Cocker Spaniel with a Maltese?

A. A Cock-Tese.

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"creative" baby names

2008-08-02T13:08:00.005-05:00

For those of you who missed my post about ridiculous baby names, here it is.

On that subject, a woman of my acquaintance announced she was pregnant. I told her I hope she wasn't going to saddle her kid with a name he'd regret later in life. Or worse, some "creative" spelling of a standard name.

She said, "No problem. We're naming him Ian. Not much you could do with that one."

Don't be so sure. With that as a challenge, I came up with the following off the wall and quite cruel spellings of their yet to be born son Ian:

Ejan
E. N.
Yan (Y like Spanish 'and.')
Ijn
Ee'Yan
Eaghan (GH is silent.)

Parents, if you're trying to come up with creative spellings of common names intending to help make your kid stand out and be unique, don't. By middle school he or she would rather just fit in.
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rocks

2008-07-29T17:29:00.004-05:00

"Which looks better? One - or Two? One - or Two?" asked the optometrist as he held two engagement rings before his girlfriend.
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pearls of wisdom

2008-07-24T05:14:00.000-05:00

I wonder what the gates are made of in oyster heaven.
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cyberbullying

2008-07-20T08:56:00.001-05:00

Click here for a perspective on the latest new fad, cyberbullying.
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do you hate your drivers license photo?

2008-06-24T03:41:00.003-05:00

If you're like me, you would rather stick a pen in your eye than to show anyone your drivers license photo. I don't know a single person who's ever said, "I actually like the picture on my drivers license. It really brings out my best features."

A colleague of mine has a spouse who works at the DMV. I asked her to ask him why the photo always looks so lousy. Here's what he said:

Don't forget that the photo is meant to identify, not to flatter a person.

At our local DMV office, the single lamp they have to light my face is to the left, and slightly above my line of sight.

Pretty much at the same angle as the flashlight the cop would be using were he to pull me over at night.
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gay brains like women's

2008-06-17T05:20:00.002-05:00

New reports suggest that the brains of gay men show similarities to those of women.

I can hear it now on the playground:

"Hey, Johnny! You think like a girl!"
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just go get a better car

2008-06-15T07:30:00.010-05:00

In Sept of 2005, I wrote, (sarcastically, of course,) "So, gas is three dollars a gallon in the US. Of course, Europeans have been paying the equivalent of over five dollars a gallon for years, but everything's closer together in Europe, so it really doesn't matter."

Today, gas is over $4 a gallon in the US, and climbing. I read that gas is about $8.67 in France.

Also in Sept, 2005, I wrote, more seriously, "When today's cars become prohibitively expensive to repair in ten years, what will people of 'lesser means' drive?"

Today I'm hearing more and more stories about people not being able to afford the gas to drive to work and back. Let's say your car gets 30 MPG and you live 30 miles from work. In Sept '05, when gas was $3 a gallon, it cost you about $120 a month to commute to work. Today it would cost you about $160 a month, or $40 more. Are you getting at least $40 per month more than you did in '05?

Now consider a single mom who also drives 30 miles to work, but she drives an old clunker that gets 15 MPG. In '05 it cost her $240 a month, and now it costs her $320 - eighty dollars a month more. Let's just hope her boss gave her a big raise recently to help her cover her transportation costs. (By the way, in Sept '04 it cost her about $86.50 a month for gas.)

So what's the mom to do? Well, she can find a job closer to home. Or she can move her family closer to her work. Or she can trade her old clunker in for a more cost-effective hybrid car that gets 50 MPG.

Or CAN she?
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low credit score? bring a book

2008-06-15T07:22:00.003-05:00

Did you hear that now they'll be checking your credit score as you walk into the emergency room to determine your ability to pay for services?

"Yes, Mrs Johnson! Please have a seat in the waiting room on the left! The doctor will be with you shortly!"

"OK, Mr Lewis. Take a seat in the waiting room on your right. We'll call your name as soon as a doctor becomes available."
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remember the drive-in movies?

2008-06-08T17:50:00.001-05:00

Over the Memorial Day weekend, my wife and I went to the drive-in movies.

Check out our experience here.

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jessie's girl

2008-06-08T17:47:00.002-05:00

So I'm listening to Rick Springfield's song, Jessie's Girl, and I come across these lyrics:

Where can I find a woman like that
And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time,
Wondering what she don't see in me

Then it occurs to me, "Rick, maybe she might see more in you if you weren't always lookin' in the mirror all the time."
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moronic toilet seatcovers

2008-05-18T21:30:00.002-05:00

If you've read my post about mysterious men's room doors or the one about toilet seat noises from the ladies' room, you may believe I'm hung up on the commode.

I am, but that's not the point. Do you know one thing I hate? I hate those fuzzy toilet lid covers women put on their toilets. (How do I know men don't put them on their toilet lids? Trust me, they don't.)

The other day I'm at a friend's house and I gotta take a whizz. I ask the guy's wife where the room is, and after walking in, I see she's installed the dreaded fuzzy lid. The problem with these stupid covers is that when a guy lifts the seat to do his business, the seat balances precariously straight up and down, usually leaning EVER so slightly "down," because the seat and lid rest away from the tank due to the puffy fabric.

So now I have a choice. I can either hold the seat up with my "free" hand, (I don't know how you tall guys do it,) or take my chances and hope the damn seat doesn't fall midstream.

You can tell that the designers of modern commodes were men who did not plan for a lid that would not rest other than just south of TDC* and that the designers of fuzzy lid covers were women who could never use the toilet with the seat up.

*Top Dead Center for women unfamiliar with car terminology
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ripoff times two

2008-05-09T19:16:00.001-05:00

Read here about paying storage fees for a recovered stolen car.
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women never win

2008-05-01T18:45:00.001-05:00

Things like this really piss me off.
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increasing prescription copayments

2008-04-15T16:16:00.008-05:00

From our local newspaper, this story about increasing prescription copayments:

Insurers jack up drug co-pays
Gina Kolata, The New York Times

Health insurance companies are rapidly adopting a new pricing system for very expensive drugs, asking patients to pay hundreds and even thousands of dollars for prescriptions for medications that may save their lives or slow the progress of serious diseases.

With the new pricing system, insurers abandoned the traditional arrangement that has patients pay a fixed amount, such as $10, $20 or $30 for a prescription, no matter what the drug's actual cost.

Instead, they are charging patients a percentage of the cost of certain high-priced drugs, usually 20 percent to 33 percent, which can amount to thousands of dollars a month.

The system means that the burden of expensive health care is no longer a problem only for people who have no insurance. Instead, the new pricing system can mean that even insured people may not be able to afford the treatments they require.

No one knows how many patients are affected, but hundreds of drugs are priced this new way. They are used to treat diseases that are not uncommon, including multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, hemophilia, hepatitis C and some cancers.

There are no cheaper equivalents for these drugs, so patients say they are forced to pay the price or do without. Insurers say the new system keeps everyone's premiums down at a time when some of the most innovative and promising new treatments for conditions such as cancer and rheumatoid arthritis and multiple sclerosis can cost $100,000 and more a year.

But the result is that patients may have to spend more for a drug than they pay for their mortgages, more, in some cases, than their monthly incomes.

So now instead of going to the pharmacy for a refill to treat your aunt's lung cancer and paying a flat rate of $30 for a month's worth of pills, poor Aunt Sally may now have to cough up a thousand bucks or more. Well, guess what. Aunt Sally doesn't happen to have twelve grand a year lying around to spend on meds, so she's gonna do the next best thing - hit upon her family for assistance.

Imagine a scenario like this one:

Sister: "Hey, bro, how's the new job going? Wanna contribute to the costs of Dad's MS medication?"
Brother: "Sure, Sis, I can kick in a few bucks. How much is it?"
Sister: "Three thousand dollars a month."

Or how 'bout this one:

Mom, to son: "But you have to go to school, honey. Don't you want to grow up to be rich so you can help pay for Grandma's hemophilia prescriptions? We all have to do our part."

OK, one more, then I'm done:

Insurance Company: "Good news, Mr Jones. We've tapped your home equity, your pension and IRAs, and all your life's savings to pay for your wife's rheumatoid arthritis meds. You now qualify for free prescriptions because you're below the poverty level."

We've come around full circle regarding the results of many individuals' acquiring certain illnesses: You get sick, and then soon after, you die. Only now it's not for want of treatment, but for the inability to pay the portion of what your "insurance" will now no longer cover.
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Disappearing From the Face

2008-02-26T16:11:00.006-05:00

Many of you, (well, both of you actually,) have asked where I've been lately, and I've alluded to a mysterious project I've been working on that's consumed all my resources.

Make no mistake - I did start a project, and my wife would tell you that I live, eat, and breathe nothing outside the pursuit of this interest.

Though this endeavor helps fulfill a lifelong dream of mine, some may find it childish or trivial, and hardly a reason to drop out of life's finer pleasures. I offer neither argument nor excuse.

So have I stopped writing? Far from it. In fact, since November I've written over 400 small posts, (about four a day,) as well as having initiated over a dozen new threads to a forum devoted to those who share interest in this venture.

Will I ever resume writing my blogs and visiting those of my readers again? Probably.

Anyway, for those interested, here are photos of my new passion.

Let the criticism begin.

rsvp

2007-12-02T05:43:00.000-05:00

A young boy is trailing his parents at the mall. He peers into the Victoria Secret display and sees the letters R.S.V.P. on the back of a particular garment of intimate apparel.

He asks, "Mom, what does rsvp spell?"

His mom responds, "RSVP is a way to tell someone who has invited you to a party that you're coming."
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pod people

2007-10-17T06:23:00.000-05:00

A teacher confounded her students one day by referring to a couple of them as "two peas in a pod."

She helped explain this quaint old expression.

"It's like two MP3s in an iPod."

NOOOOW we get it . . . . .

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deadly dowries

2007-09-23T15:55:00.000-05:00

For a horrific view on the abuses of women in India regarding dowries, check out this post. It's truly an eye opener.
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privacy much?

2007-09-16T07:34:00.000-05:00

This Sunday's Parade Magazine has an article about privacy. One fallacy I often hear about the lack of privacy people feel these days is, "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to worry about."

Nothing could be further from the truth.

If nothing else, non-hiders should worry about how they are going to ensure that all the data building up on them remains factual.
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oh, boy ...

2007-09-05T19:40:00.000-05:00

So. You had a little baby boy, huh? Good for you!

Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails. Ninja Turtles, footballs, prom tuxedos.

A greater risk that your future grandchildren will be plucked from the clutch of your loving arms and taken away from you - possibly for much of their young lives - than if you had had a baby girl.

Face it, not all marriages survive. I hope your son is among the exceptions, but some mothers' sons will face divorce - it's an unavoidable possibility. And as most children of divorce go with the mother, there's a probability that that mother may not feel comfortable bringing the grandkids over to see her ex-in-laws for visits like she once did. Certainly not as much as HER parents will see them.

Have a boy - possibly lose the grandkids. Have a girl - probably keep the grandkids.

Moms, teach your boys to treat girls nice. You have a vested interest in keeping his family together.

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FURTHER THOUGHTS (09/08/07)

Once the grandkids reach 18, who do you think they're going to visit? Their biological dad's folks? Or the ones they might consider their "real" grandparents - their moms' and step-dads' parents.

"Yeah, they sent me cards and photos and stuff, but C'mon! I haven't seen them since I was like, what, FOUR?"

Grandparents, hug your sons' kids tightly next time you see them. There's a coin-flip of a demon out there who wants to take them away.

Maybe far away.

And while you're at it, hug your daughter's kids closely, too. Specially if you're squeezing for four.

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it could happen to anyone

2007-08-25T06:43:00.000-05:00

A man, provocatively dressed in his wife's lingerie, eyes himself up and down in a full length mirror behind closed doors in his bedroom.

Suddenly he is crestfallen.

"This is wrong," he mutters to himself, downheartedly.

"I think the bow goes in the BACK ..."

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Nerf

2007-08-17T05:40:00.000-05:00

A young teen received a Nerf football from his parents as a gift.

"What IS this??" he asked quizzically.

"It's a Nerf Ball," his dad explained, "It was all the rage when I was a kid."

The next morning, the boy published a post about the gift on his blog.

The title of the entry?

"Sponge Ball, Square Parents."

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airport screeners look for deception

2007-08-16T05:37:00.000-05:00

They're watching you

Kaitlin Dirrig, McClatchy Newspapers

WASHINGTON - Next time you go to the airport, there may be more eyes on you than you notice.

Specially trained security personnel are watching body language and facial cues of passengers for signs of bad intentions. The watcher could be the attendant who hands you the tray for your laptop or the one standing behind the ticket-checker. Or the one next to the curbside baggage attendant.

...

At the heart of the new screening system is a theory that when people try to conceal their emotions, they reveal their feelings in flashes that Ekman, a pioneer in the field, calls "micro-expressions." Fear and disgust are the key ones, he said, because they're associated with deception.

Let me get this straight. Signs of fear and disgust in today's airline travelers are what triggers closer scrutiny??

Exactly who would that eliminate?
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resumé "interests"

2007-08-01T20:03:00.000-05:00

Take a look at your resumé. Do you have a section for "interests?" If so, what do you have there?

If you have something like needlework, you may worry about not getting offers for jobs requiring, I don't know, movement?

What about sports? Did you list baseball? Soccer? Tennis? Listing such activities can prove to a potential employer that you are not afraid of activity. After all, if you play a sport, you can show you're a team player, may perform under pressure, and may not fold when the going gets rough.

You may also be telling them that you're a liability. People who participate in sports can get injured. Injured personnel take time off of work. Sometimes six weeks or more. An employer has an interest in hiring someone who's not likely to suddenly need a month and a half off, specially from something totally unrelated to their work responsibilities.

So next time you decide to boast about your athletic ventures on your resumé, consider that it may not be though of as a virtue by some employers.
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hey buddy, got a light?

2007-07-20T05:48:00.000-05:00

Report: Plane lighter ban to be lifted
The Associated Press
NEW YORK - Airline passengers will be able to bring many types of cigarette lighters on board again starting next month after authorities found that a ban on the devices did little to make flying safer, a newspaper reported Friday.

Starting Aug. 4, air travelers will be allowed to carry on disposable butane lighters, such as Bics, and refillable lighters, including Zippos, according to The New York Times.

Security screeners collect an average of 22,000 lighters a day, and it costs about $4 million a year to dispose of them, The Times reported.

Four million bucks a year to keep Americans safe from terrorism caused by Zippos. Now if they'd only ban strong perfume.
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dude, where's my car?

2007-07-19T19:19:00.000-05:00

Everybody's a Winner in Car Promotion

ROSWELL, N.M. — Everyone's a winner after a direct-mail marketing company hired by a local car dealership mistakenly sent out 50,000 scratch-off tickets to residents - all of them declaring the ticket-holder the $1,000 grand prize winner. Just one of the tickets was supposed to be the grand prize winner.

...

In a statement, Force Events apologized "for any inconvenience this may has caused car shoppers in the Roswell market" and asked that any questions and concerns be directed to the company.

Yeah, I've got a question - Where's my car??
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no wonder she left you

2007-07-04T21:25:00.000-05:00

She's Gone Oh I, Oh I'd
better learn how to face it
She's Gone Oh I, Oh I'd
pay the devil to replace her
She's Gone - what went wrong

I'm guessing you recognize those lyrics as the chorus from the '80s Daryl Hall & John Oates hit, "She's Gone," presumably about a love lost.

I'd like to offer that the answer to the question in the last line of the chorus, "What went wrong?" may be found in the second to the last line.

Perhaps she didn't want to stick around with a guy who's so quick to want a replacement.
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garden woes

2007-06-28T06:48:00.001-05:00

My aunt is not a very good gardener.

She once tried to grow Forget-me-nots, but she'd never remember to water them.

She tried to plant Irises, but failed to keep an eye on them.

Then she tried to plant Mums.

We won't talk about how that turned out.
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helmet laws and the non-rider

2007-06-16T06:58:00.000-05:00

Do you ride a motorcycle? If so, do you wear a helmet?

If you don't ride, do you care about motorcycle helmet laws? After all, if bikers are willing to risk it all in the name of free spirit, should the non-rider be concerned about whether the government insists they wear a helmet?

Please read this post if you believe one who doesn't ride a motorcycle has nothing to lose if motorcycle helmet laws are not passed.
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Paris

2007-06-08T06:38:00.001-05:00

Q: What do Paris Hilton and beer in a frat house refrigerator have in common?

A: Neither could stay in the can for more than 72 hours.

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thanks for the graduation money, grandma!

2007-05-30T06:27:00.000-05:00

Mail buried at postal worker's home

Meiling Arounnarath and Benjamin Niolet, Staff Writers

A postal worker rooted through years of mail looking for cash, credit cards and checks before burning and burying piles of envelopes in her yard with the help of family members, authorities said.
...

Investigators recovered two dozen bins of letters, paychecks and credit card bills inside and outside the home, some dating to 2003.

...four others face charges in an operation that investigators say pilfered everything from insurance cards to students' graduation money.

So this lady stole US Mail looking for cash and goodies mailed to others since 2003, huh? Given many teens' reluctance to acknowledge receiving checks from relatives, I'm not certain anybody would have noticed the discrepancy right away.

Well, maybe the teens would have.
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the kidney transplant

2007-05-26T15:20:00.000-05:00

A woman called her brother with bad news.

"Bill, the doctor told me I need a new kidney. He said you would be the only likely donor candidate. He wants you to set up an appointment to discuss this as soon as possible."

"I can't do that, Sis," said Bill.

"Why not?!? Don't you understand? If I don't get a kidney soon, the doctor said my kidneys would fail."

"You know I can't do that, Sis."

"I don't understand why you won't consider this, Bill. You don't want me to die, do you?" she pleaded.

"Of course not," he said.

"Well, what's the problem? You didn't say 'No' to Dad when HE needed a kidney!"
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anonymous blog comments

2007-05-19T10:20:00.001-05:00

Do you accept anonymous comments on your blog?

Do you post comments pseudonymously on other blogs?

Please read Who ARE YOU?? for more.
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cyber-terrorism strikes women bloggers - UPDATE

2007-05-05T07:45:00.000-05:00

From WashingtonPost.com:

Sexual Threats Stifle Some Female Bloggers
By Ellen Nakashima
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, April 30, 2007

A female freelance writer who blogged about the pornography industry was threatened with rape. A single mother who blogged about "the daily ins and outs of being a mom" was threatened by a cyber-stalker who claimed that she beat her son and that he had her under surveillance. Kathy Sierra, who won a large following by blogging about designing software that makes people happy, became a target of anonymous online attacks that included photos of her with a noose around her neck and a muzzle over her mouth.

And from Slate, this, regarding Kathy Sierra:

Fear of Blogging
Why women shouldn't apologize for being afraid of threats on the Web.
By Dahlia Lithwick
Posted Friday, May 4, 2007, at 7:20 PM ET

...
Some suggested that Sierra deserved to have her throat slit and to be suffocated, sexually violated, and hanged. Among the things Sierra wrote as she folded up her blogging tent: "I have cancelled all speaking engagements. I am afraid to leave my yard. I will never feel the same. I will never be the same."

Ms Sierra also had her Social Security Number and her Address published by an anonymous commenter of her blog.

05/11/07 UPDATE - I have since learned that some bloggers of questionable intent will stalk "mommy blogs," capture, and repost pictures found on those blogs in a manner that's less than flattering.

I'm pretty sure "the framers" didn't have this in mind.
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this joke came to me in a dream

2007-05-01T06:24:00.000-05:00

A mother and her son were at an arena watching a game.

The son got up to go to the bathroom.

While he was away, an extremely large woman came and sat in his seat.

The mother said, "Excuse me, but my son was sitting there."

"Oh, my," exclaimed the woman, "he must be crushed."

I gotta stop eating left-over pizza before bedtime.
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a new planet?

2007-04-25T05:33:00.000-05:00

From our local paper:

Newfound planet may sustain life

Seth Borenstein, The Associated Press

WASHINGTON - For the first time astronomers have discovered a planet outside our solar system that is potentially habitable, with Earth-like temperatures, a find researchers described Tuesday as a big step in the search for "life in the universe."The planet is just the right size, might have water in liquid form, and in galactic terms is relatively nearby at 120 trillion miles away.

I hope they do find that life is sustainable on that planet. There are a few people I'd like to send there.
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syn tax

2007-04-20T17:15:00.000-05:00

The challenge: using punctuation and emphasis, how many ways can you make the following phrase have different meanings?

"I don't want to go do another day's work"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. "I've already spent ONE day doing this for you.
I don't want to go do ANOTHER day's work."

2. "As of today, I am through with this job!
I don't want to go do ANOTHER DAY'S WORK!"

3. "You've already spent a day on this and now you want me to do it.
I don't want to. Go do another day's work."

4. "If I work for one more day, can I stay?"
"Yes."
"I don't want to go."
"Do another day's work!"
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the virginia tech massacre

2007-04-17T16:19:00.000-05:00

My comments inspired by the Virginia Tech massacre can be found here and here.
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ladies in, men out

2007-04-17T12:10:00.000-05:00

Several years ago when I was on the road, I stopped into a customer's office to perform a service call. I asked to use the restroom and the receptionist stated it was down the hall, to the left. So I went down the hall, and I saw two sets of double doors. The first set said Ladies In and Ladies Out, so I went to the second set. They were labeled Ladies Out and Men Out.

I pondered this for a moment, and then asked myself, "Where do the men go in??" A reasonable question, I thought. So I returned to the reception desk and told her of my dilemma.

She kind of chuckled to herself. I imagined, (or at least hoped,) that she got this kind of question often.

"This warehouse," she began, "staffs 400 women and about eight men. Therefore, most of the bathrooms are for women. On the door is a slider. If it says In, there's someone in there. If it says Out, it's free."

So basically, in this particular case there was a lady in the first room, and the other two ladies rooms and the only mens room in that wing were empty.

Was I embarrassed.

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this call may be monitored

2007-04-14T15:22:00.001-05:00

I read an article recently that talked about those messages you get that say, "This call may be monitored for quality assurance." It went on to say that companies do this to ensure agents are courteous and are following protocol. Though they also say the chances of your call being monitored is less than one percent, some institutions retain the recordings for over two years.

But the most striking statement was that the tapes may be running while you're on hold.

So let me get this straight. After we hear the message that our call may be monitored, and while the music's playing through our earpiece, they're recording whatever can be heard into our mouthpiece??

This does not give me a comfortable feeling knowing that as I sit distracted by their crummy music, they're at the other end laughing at what I am saying. Or, they may not be laughing.

How many times over the years have I expounded on the lousy service I was getting from this particular company, or how I swore I'd take my business elsewhere. Maybe that's why they do it - to track their competition. "Gentlemen, last month we had a 30% increase in disgruntled callers on hold swearing to take their business to The Home Depot."

Or worse, what if they've been listening to my yammering while I was waiting? I don't mean humming or whistling to myself, I mean talking to the family, friends, or business associates, while on hold.

If that's the case, these companies may have heard some one-way conversations that have sounded like this:

"Just a little to the left, honey. Down lower. Perfect! The picture's hanging just right."

"It's a hundred and seventy-five a quarter. The most expensive US coin I've ever purchased."

"Say, Bob, why don't you and Carol consider swapping with me and Alice? We won't need the time-share until August."

Let's just say that from now on, I will be much more careful what I say while on hold after hearing the message, "This call may be monitored for quality assurance."

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no screaming allowed

2007-04-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

From Sacramento, this story of an amusement park that is trying to enforce a no-screaming policy on one of their rides, ironically called The Screamer.

As passengers are strapped into the two metal baskets, the operator recites this warning: "We are required to remove you from this ride if you make any noise. If you feel you might make a noise, please cover your mouth tightly with you hand, like this. (The operator then covers mouth with hand). If we hear any noise through your hand, we will remove you from the ride. So please remain silent and enjoy the screamer."

This is in response to neighbors who complained of all the noise at the amusement park.

What's next? Banning grunting at the local exercise gym?

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take a fun and easy ethics test

2007-03-22T16:05:00.000-05:00

I invite you to check out "What would YOU do?" at http://1sttimeinvestor.blogspot.com/ to state how you would handle winning $20,000 after betting a dollar given to you by a friend.

a morbid joke

2007-03-13T16:22:00.000-05:00

A door-to-door salesman was talking to an old woman.

"If you should ever fall and cannot get up, just push this button on this device on your wrist."

The lady looked at the device and asked, "Then what happens? Will it summon help?"

"No," the man said, "If you have fallen and can't even get up, you are much too old! This will give you a lethal injection."

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choose company names wisely

2007-03-10T12:26:00.000-05:00

Again from our local paper, excerpts from an article about a company that sells stripper poles, (oops - excuse me - "dance" poles,) for your living room:

Bethany Clough, McCatchy Newspapers

FRESNO, CALIF. - A new export is taking hold in a tiny industrial park in east Fresno, Calif.: stripper poles.

Pacific International Marketing & Promotions (yes, PIMP) manufactures the Lil' Mynx stainless steel dance pole. Designed for the average living room, the poles are easily installed and can be removed in seconds in case the Avon lady stops by.

. . .

He and his wife hope to have the poles and the exercise videos sold in Target and Wal-Mart someday. And that means the marketing must be clean. They call the pole a dance pole, not a stripper pole.

Uh, Randy, you might also want to change the name of your company if you want to get into Walmart.

daylight saving time

2007-03-08T06:58:00.000-05:00

Finally, a use for daylight saving time worth the effort. From Raleigh's News & Observer:

In 1999, a terrorist attack on Israel's West Bank was thwarted when the terrorists failed to take into account the switch back to standard time. The bomb went off an hour early, killing only the terrorists.

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